the ultimate strip club list

September 5, 2008  •  Vol. 15, Issue 248

This is where the week started to go terribly wrong. I-45 Southbound was a friggin' parking lot. Friday afternoon and I decided to drive crosstown to start the run down over by Galveston (Southeast of Houston) and work my way back up. Big mistake on so many levels.

After sitting in traffic for nearly two hours (in hindsight should have ducked off on Gulf Freeway since I saw other clubs on the way down) I walk into what looked to be a pretty decent sized club. Got most of the crap out of my pockets at the metal detector before they went ahead and waved me through. They don't even have that type of crap in Baltimore and DC where you're more likely run into the sort of luck that brings about metal detectors, pat downs and whatnot. The main stage area of the club is pretty big and the "production values" are of a nice quality. Lots of wood grain and red accents and the tables and chairs are arranged comfortably around the room. Lapdances are done tableside and a couple I spotted weren't air.

Wandered around when I first got there since I didn't want to site again after being stuck in the car. There's a back area to the place that by itself is as big as most clubs. A good number of pool tables (maybe a half dozen? at least 4) and auxiliary stages. From what I heard a little later the club isn't really crowded enough anymore to open up the stages in back. Not really much going on back there at all and I was just trying to find the men's room. Speaking of which, when I walk into the thing it is the darkest restroom I've ever since in a public place. Sure there are drunk guys lighting up their shoes in the place all the time. Sinks were a little weird too. Shaped like big fancy bowls...but anyhow. Walked back out front and got a seat up near the main stage. There was a thin brunette up on stage who was really, really dogging it. I mean it was so bad the club should be embarrassed.

But again, after a two hour drive I was willing to sit and drink for a bit since it looked like it would be a while before they cleaned up the tractor trailer that flipped on I-45 heading back the other way. Claire the waitress was cute but had a name tag that read like Elaine. Since the stage show was so terrible, flirting with her was the best thing going. Kaylee dropped by a minute later while I was waiting on my beer. Something local, can't recall the name but it was pretty good. She basically confirmed all my impressions of the club (it's on the downswing, some would say spiral) but it's okay from about 10PM to midnight. Of course I'd be long gone by then (think I was at Moments putting on some miles with Jessica the Mexican-Honduran hottie when the clock struck 12). A little more experienced and curvier than I prefer, but had a good personality and was chatty. Bought her a drink for the company but a dance wasn't happening. Once she got called up on stage I took the opportunity to tip her up front and head back out into traffic.

Big club, but lame. Wouldn't say avoid it, but you'd do well to keep it off the list unless you're already driving by. Had to skip better clubs later that night because I was stuck on this boondoggle for hours with little to show for it. Traffic heading back North was just as bad for what turned out to be an inexplicable reason. Accident was cleared up yet traffic still sucked. If you've gone South of Club Exotica and Sugars in the Houston area you've gone too far. Try Sugars for evening into early night and the other for a nightcap and you won't go wrong. When you get to Club Ex look for Julia if there on a weekend night.

Haven't been to HB in about three years. Got there around 7 pm. About 20 PL's in the house. Equal number of dancers. Unfortunately the girls here don't really circulate. Most just hangout with regulars. As a result didn't get asked for a dance most of the stay. The lights went out ( 8 pm ) decided to leave. Will check it out again.

Just went there. Its a nice place, BUT the dancers spent too much time talking to their regulars instead of paying attention to everyone. Ther were a bunch of 5-7's and although I had more $Cash on me than anyone there, I wasn't able to buy a dance. Truly a disappointment. I would never go back there.

Pretty good club. Lots of women of all flavors, including some 7s and 8s. Got a couple of dances with a couple of different girls -- while the milage varied, both dancers gave enjoyable dances. Have not determined if there are extras to be had -- maybe I didn't choose the right dancer. Will definitely be back.

On a recent business trip to Houston, I decided to check out Heartbreakers for the first time in several years. It is a long drive south from Houston, but still worth the drive. There is a great selection of girls, many of them from 7 to 10. After sampling a few dances, I hooked up with one (Dawn?) and went up to the VIP room upstairs. The place is still great mileage and lots of fun. But be prepared to spend lots of money.

There are very few places in this country where $1 can get you intimate contact with a beautiful woman, and this is one of them. Almost every girl in the place actually treats every tipper as if a buck was still worth something. Of particular note are two girls who go by Joey and India. Joey is a perfectly tight young blonde who makes intimate contact, massages your neck, and makes you feel like you are in heaven. India is a very cute latina with perfect breasts who actually seems interested in getting to know her customers. Both are worth the $25 for a grinding lap dance. I strongly recommend that you either take the lap dance in the back room (where the pool tables are) or go upstairs for a set with even more privacy.