the ultimate strip club list

a guy's guide to strip clubs

July 9, 2008  •  Vol. 15, Issue 190

As a strip club, it's a zero. As a bar, it's a six.
Let me paint the picture. I walk into what appears to be a neighborhood bar. There's a DJ to the right of the door, some decent blues music is playing, and there's a stage behind and to the left of the DJ. "Howyadoin", he says. "You just missed the darts tournament". Darts??? In a strip club???
Suddenly I notice a fairly attractive young lady coming in to the bar and over to the DJ. "Hmmmmm" I thinks. "Maybe this is one of the dancers and she's getting the music for her set".
No such luck. She's there with her husband/boyfriend/co-workers and just requested a song. OK, the beer is good, prices are OK and the music is still FINE.
A hand touches my arm and a sultry voice says "Hi". I turn around and I'm looking at one of the skankiest dancers I've ever seen. She's overweight, overage and over my shoulder.
"Would you like a private dance?" she asks. "No, thank you". I'd rather have root canal without novocaine. (Didn't tell her that part).
Anyway, I sit there for a while, drinking and listening to the DJ do his thing. This is not your typical strip club music collection. He's got George Thurgood, ZZ Top, Greatful Dead, Blues Brothers, BB King, even some Leadbelly. He'll play requests without question.
Canadian beer does strange things to my brain. After about an hour of drinking, the skanky dancer starts to look acceptable. "What the fuck", says I, "I'll waste $20.00. How bad could it be? Maybe I'll get lucky".
Just about the time I'm ready to call her over, a few more newbies walk in. They order drinks and sit down by the stage. The dancer comes on for a 3 song set. The newbies bail out half way through the second song. This should have told me something. Probably did, but, In my inebriated condition, I ignored the message. The skank was still llooking decent (I'm sitting about 15 feet rom the stage, by the way).
I call her over. We go into a private area surrounded by a curtain. Comfortable easy chairs. Music starts. She strips. Downhill from there.
Dancers, if you're shaving your beaver, do it daily. 5 o'clock shadow was Dick Nixon's trademark. Don't let your pubes be remembered for that. Also, shower daily. I do and I don't shove my crotch in your face. Brush your teeth (or, at least, don't eat garlic pizza before work).
Get the picture? I decided after the first 5 seconds that there was not going to be a second dance. I gave her $20.00, headed back to the bar and ordered another beer. DJ played "Touch of Gray" by the Dead. Choice lyrics - "I will get by, I will survive". After that dance, I wasn't sure.
Anyway - highly recommend for beer, good music, and some very friendly people. Stay AWAY from the dancer.