the ultimate strip club list

a guy's guide to strip clubs

July 9, 2008  •  Vol. 15, Issue 190

I just suffered through another visit to Mermaids at the end of March. I knew as soon I'd paid my 10 bucks and walked into the club that it was a mistake. Should have know when there were only 5 cars in the lot that they belonged to the owner, the bouncer and each of the three dancers. We walked into an empty club. Despite this, the room was full of a choking amount of cigarette smoke - they must pipe it or have a smoke machine to generate it. My first desire was to run back to the door, but I steeled myself and took my seat at the side of the stage.

In most clubs having the dancers to yourselves would be a plus, but not in Mermaids. First, we had to get through the drink order from the overweight 60 year old (I'm being generous) "madam" as we call her. Remembering the last time when she pulled up her skirt to reveal a garter for tips on her thigh, I quickly gave my money to my friend, and told him to pay her, as coming here had been at his insistence. There are memories you'd like to forget but will be with you to the grave, and that thigh shot two years ago was one of them.

Now for the dancers. The first one was into ink and biker boots. Unfortunately when she took off her top, it was clear her boobs hadn't been firm for about 15 years. In between her yawning and complaining about her advanced age (over 30), she gave a totally uninspired performance.

The next girl was truly nasty. Overweight, stretch marks, but passable boobs, she was downright scary. She spent most of time writhing on the floor, as gravity seemed to be a challenge for her. She did have one good move, when she put her nipple in her mouth and licked it. That might have been hot if she'd been. She did show a bit of labia when she crouched over, but I'd already at a steak and cheese at Hooters, and this bit of roast beef looked a bit too rancid to want to sample. My companion, who has a much higher curiosity that I for the seamy side of life engaged her in a bit of conversation. She offered to take him "downstairs" for a private "girl's rules" (as opposed to club rules) private "dance". Sounded like hooking to me, but might have just been a scam. The law is always trying to close Mermaids, so unless they are planning for this to be their last season, I've my doubts the $300 would buy much more than a case of blue balls. My friend did actually did pony up 30 bucks for a lap dance - probably the same dance he would have gotten for $300. She must have done a superb job, as he actually gave her a whole $2 tip.

Finally the last dancer was a study in the A cup. She did actually seem to care about her "art", forgoing the tips until the dance was over, and also avoiding any eye contact or conversation, other than a perfunctory "Thank you dear" when she finally took her tip. Her dark nipples (which is all that were on her chest) contrasted nicely with her light skin, but the bruises on her ass and legs didn't do much for me, as I'm not really into that sort of thing.

I give Mermaids a "2" because I'm sure there is a worse club out there, and I hope I never find it. I do recall a really rotten club I went to in Atlantic city around 1973 (before gambling) called the Jockey Club that might have had older strippers, but at least the club got a few points for being totally 40's retro (although that wasn't intentional - just hadn't been renovated since then). But I digress.

Will I ever go to Mermaids again? Don't know - it sort of has the appeal of a train wreck or bad car accident. You don't want to look or see it, but for some reason you do, and then you regret it.

If you've got $30 to spend on eye candy at the Outer Banks, save it for a few drinks at Hooters. The girls are a whole lot better looking, able to hold a conversation, and you won't be the only person in the place, although there you would like to be.

Once again I found myself at the Outer Banks for seasonal home maintenance. And of course, my yearly visit to Mermaids. If you've never been before, and you're used to big-city clubs, be prepared: this is not really what I'd call good. The same owner (husband and wife, I believe) have been running this place forever. The "mama" is kinda old and creepy looking in her see-through outfits, and she's your drink-server (strong advice - have cash+tip in hand and quickly give it to her when your beer arrives - you do NOT want her planting her beefy leg on your table and pulling her garter back for a tip - you will no longer want to drink your beer!).

On to the girls: Maybe things are decent in high-season, but I'm always here late-March timeframe and the talent is quite limited and usually below average. Well, after last night, I can honestly say that nothing's changed. When I showed up, my friend and I were the only two patrons, as it was the first Thursday-night of the year (up until this week they were only open Friday and Saturday nights for the winter). And somehow the place already reeked of cigarette smoke, almost as if they had imported it and pumped it into the room.

We waited almost 5 minutes for a dancer to come out, as they were lounging around in the back, drinking and napping.

First up: Frances. Tall, thin, great tush, but the stretch marks on the boobs were repulsive, as were her vampire-like teeth. She's into the harder music though and does some good moves to System Of a Down. However, all through her set she complained about how tired she was, and how she's feeling old now that she's 30. Totally ruined the mood. Looks, 4. Dancing, 3.

Next up: Cameo. Appears that she might have pushed out a few kids. Kinda overweight, and extra stomach skin that's been stretch in her past life. HOWEVER: This girl exudes sex. Her dancing is dirty, with her legs often swinging up over the brass rail inches from my face as she lay on the dance floor pinching (or licking) her nips. Then she'd get up on her knees and BAM - kick the side wall of the stage (which doubles as a bar rail). She was a bit drunk, and at one point she crawled up onto the bar in front of me and then nearly fell off into my lap (fortunately I caught her and pushed her back up before she reached the tipping point). While she might not be the cute one, she's definitely the dirty one and intrigued me to consider a lap dance later. Looks, 3. Dancing, 7.

final girl: Madison? I forget. A real thin one, maybe a hundred pounds? A-cups. I asked her about some oriental symbol tattoo she had on her belly. She could have lied and said something like "it means hot sex." Instead she tells me it's the name of her daughter. What gives? I don't want to hear about that! Oh, and her dancing was slow, artistic, and boring. Looks, 3. Dancing, 1.

For grins, I had a lap dance with Cameo ($30). I will reiterate - she's a dirty little girl. If you can deal with the chubbiness of her body and excess tummy skin, I think you'll enjoy her lapdances. She also mentioned a new "private party" service, with apparently less restriction. But, for 10x the cost of a lap dance, there was no way I was even thinking about that (ok, even at the same cost, I doubt I'd want to get myself into that situation there).

So: do you visit Mermaids? Well... if you're expecting something great, you'll have a major letdown (maybe that's an understatement?). If you just want a cold beer, see some local girls on a stage topless, and hang out with your friends, then sure - have fun!

I visted here on a Thursday night recently. $10 cover with $3 sodas. The club is upstairs, with a single 2-pole stage, and a small bar in the back corner. It was a simple, friendly place, but the wierd location and general family natuire of that area just does not leave mch talent to dance. The best looking woman on stage was named Kat, and she was a solid cute perky 6. However, the other 4 girls working that night were in the 4-5 range. I loved the fact that they took their clothes off and showed me thier wares, but I will not be going back next year. It was clear that the lapdances would be air only, and not worth the $30. Quite a shift after going to the Playhouse lounge in NJ the previous week.

Its the only game in town, sad to say. Hard to believe that such a vacation mecca would suffer with one spot, and one thats only open Thursday thru Saturday, in peak season no less. Girls are alright, g-strings have to be worn. Close stage action , beers available. It would rate lower but no place else to go.